19 November 2024:
Breaking News
In a shocking turn of events, the world's leading experts in absolutely nothing have announced that they are declaring war on Tuesday. That's right, folks, the so-called "Day of the Week" has been deemed an enemy of humanity and will henceforth be referred to as "The Enemy." According to Dr. Reginald P. Bottomsworth III, renowned expert on completely made-up things, "Tuesday is a menace. It's always showing up uninvited, taking over our schedules, and ruining all the fun. We can't let it win." The war effort has already begun, with secret underground bunkers being built to withstand the impending Tuesday-takedown.
In related news, scientists have discovered that Tuesday has a green body, which is apparently made of a previously unknown type of sentient Jell-O. "It's like nothing we've ever seen before," said Dr. Bottomsworth III, his eyes wide with excitement. "We're talking giant green blobs, pulsing with an otherworldly energy. It's like Tuesday has gone fully... well, Tuesdays."
The world remains on high alert as the Tuesday threat continues to escalate.
Meanwhile, citizens are advised to stock up on toilet paper and prepare for the worst. When asked for comment, local resident Jane Doe said, "I'm not afraid of Tuesday. I mean, what's the worst it can do? Ruin my grocery shopping list? Please, that's just a Tuesday in my life."
Despite her bravado, many are still left wondering: will we survive this impending Tuesday apocalypse?
Update
In a bizarre twist, the United Nations has announced plans to establish a new holiday in honor of Tuesday. "It's about time we recognized the importance of The Enemy," said UN spokesperson Zorblort McSnazz. When asked if the war effort had been called off, Dr. Reginald P. Bottomsworth III simply winked and said, "Oh no, not at all."
This article was written by:
The author is unknown.
About the author:
Meet Bertrand W. Bottomsworth, a renowned journalist and expert in completely made-up things.
Born on a Tuesday (ironically), Bertrand developed a passion for fabricating news stories at a young age. He graduated from the prestigious POL University of Journalism, where he honed his skills in sensationalism and absurdity. After working as a freelance writer for various online publications, Bertrand landed a job at The Daily LOL, where he became known for his outlandish headlines and ridiculous reporting.
When not writing about fictional wars on days of the week, Bertrand enjoys playing video games, eating an excessive amount of pizza, and watching cat videos. He is currently working on his first book, "The Art of Making Stuff Up: A Guide to Completely Fabricating News Stories."
Comments on this article:
I'm calling BS on this whole Tuesday thing. It's just a day of the week, what's there to be afraid of? - Sarah Johnson
Gimnogen is right! Tuesdays are all about balance and harmony, you're just trying to stir up drama with your fake war talk. - Gymnogen G. Gizzle
As a professional clown, I can tell you that Tuesdays bring the best of showbiz energy. Don't @ me, it's science! - Binky Boopers
You're all just sheep following the same herd mentality. The real enemy is Monday. Woke up late this morning and my productivity is on fire. Tuesday? Who cares?! - Todd T. Twitch
I'm starting a petition to make Tuesdays an international day of rest. We need to prioritize our well-being over some made-up menace. Sign and share! - Lola Lovegood
I've been studying the ancient art of Tuesday-Fu, and let me tell you, it's not something to be taken lightly. The balance of the cosmos depends on it. Don't @ me. - Master Wang Wednesday
Can we please just focus on the real issues like climate change and world hunger? This Tuesday nonsense is just a distraction from the real problems we face. - Rachel R. Revolution
I'm calling out Dr. Bottomsworth III for his blatant disregard of basic physics. Tuesdays can't possibly be sentient Jell-O. You're just trolling us at this point. - Eric Einstein
I've been preparing for the Tuesday apocalypse by stockpiling my collection of vintage teapots. When the world ends, I'll have a lovely cuppa to enjoy amidst the ruins. Bring it on! - Agatha A. Armadillo